Sorry But Being "Kinky" Doesn't Make You Cool, Edgy or Great in Bed

Nearly two years ago, Evie Magazine published an article I'd written entitled "People Who Like Kinky Sex Are Just Bad In Bed" and it's making the rounds yet again and is being met with the same level of derision and criticism. Perhaps even more so, especially from women.

"The woman who wrote this is boring in bed and I'm sure every man she's ever been with has told her that!"

"Obviously this woman is so wrong about sex. She sounds like a prude."

"It's 2023. We women LOVE kinky sex. Let women be empowered in their sexuality!"

Maybe I'm wrong here but it doesn't sound like these women are any different from feminists.

Sexual liberation!

Long live kinky sex! Women should have kinky sex with men otherwise there's something wrong with them!

And you need to go back to the 1950's if you don't agree!

Same ol' song and dance. And Evie is a more conservative publication for traditionally-minded women. Yet the comment section on the piece itself and doubly so on Instagram reads like the now defunct Jezebel site.

They're entitled to their opinion. I'm also entitled to mine. This isn't the first time I've been shamed by folks for being vanilla and having more traditional views on human sexuality. And it won't be the last time I'll ever be shamed for it either.

I've been married for over two decades. Maybe I'm old-fashioned and "not up with the times." And to me, that's a darn good thing. I was spared from having to navigate this modern day wasteland where people insist that "good sex" is winding up in colostomy bag.

I have a husband I love dearly who loves me just the same. We've had three children together who are now teenagers. And neither of us not once felt the need to introduce kinky sex into our marriage. Unyielding passion, verve in youth, and ample levels of testosterone flowing through my husband's veins was more than enough for us for 15 years straight.

In fact, my husband and I did it so much that I'm now 46 years old and my sex drive has died like it should in middle age. I'm thoroughly sexually satisfied and have been for years in having all I could possibly take from one man I'm so crazy about I could scream.

So perhaps these people should more closely examine the connection they have with certain folks that requires them to be kinky in bed. Maybe it's not a very passionate connection to begin with and being "kinky" is an attempt to compensate for the lack of love and fireworks that you should have for one another sexually.

Nonetheless, I decided to republish the thought-provoking article for you on this website.

Now, let us see what all the fuss is about shall we?

If you’re a woman who enjoys vanilla sex, you’re a square. A dud. You’re super unsexy, and you’re just not cool enough if you don’t cater to modern men’s “near-universal” kinky proclivities.

Many self-described kinksters have dubbed women who have a preference for vanilla sex as “starfish,” which refers to a woman who lays on her back in the missionary position, refusing to be more adventurous in bed.

And if you’re a woman who’s not, at bare minimum, an anal sex aficionado, you’re a prude. You’ll never be able to satisfy a man in any real sense, and he’ll run off to the nearest kinky girl who will gladly give him the voracious, pornographic anal sex he so deeply craves.

Could it be that these self-described, overzealous kinksters are just really terrible in bed? 

Is Violent Porn To Blame?

According to the University of Chicago’s General Social Survey, roughly 30% of men under 30 are virgins, meaning they’ve had no sexual contact with women at all since the age of 18. 

Many speculate this downward trend into perpetual sexlessness is the result of widespread porn use among younger generations. And one could certainly ascertain that the kink crowd is modeling its behaviors towards what they see in porn. 

In 2019, a 16-year-old girl sustained serious bodily injury during rough group sex which essentially forced her into wearing a colostomy bag for the rest of her life. Young teenaged boys are acting out rough anal sex scenes they see in porn on young girls who can suffer serious, lifelong injury due to being pressured into anal sex and other kinks – among them choking and BDSM, which has also exploded in popularity in the last decade.

Not only does this sound like horrifyingly awful sex, but it’s also quite dangerous. Since when does being bad at sex seem to be some unspoken gold standard that women must strive to meet, or they’ll be shamed? If you don’t do anal, only to quite possibly wind up in a colostomy bag, you should be ashamed of yourself?

Why Vanilla Sex Is Superior 

Vanilla sex seems “boring” to many people, and they’ve taken up kink-flexing as a pastime and sounding board in broadcasting their kinks across the internet. It’s nouveau status-signaling to be extreme and offensive in bed.

Sex is a lot like money. People who have lots of sex (and lots of money) tend to keep quiet about such things. People who are sexually fulfilled tend to do the deed and go on about their business, whereas people who aren’t seem to be on a mission to make kinks a central part of their identity. It’s akin to political affiliation for many people in which they’ve become very divided. If you’re kinky, you’re part of the “in-crowd.” If you’re not, you’re a sexual loser.

In truth, there’s a tremendous amount of satisfaction to be had in a sexually fulfilling relationship with someone you’re deeply attracted to, where vanilla sex is more than sufficient to both parties involved.

People who have lots of sex (and lots of money) tend to keep quiet about such things.

Vanilla sex can be defined as lovemaking, where two people lose themselves in the chemistry, the passion, the living, breathing essence of the other person, and of course, the act of lovemaking itself. If a man doesn’t enjoy making passionate love to you and vice versa, and he has to choke you and humiliate you to reach orgasm, that doesn’t make you unsexy. But it does make him an unskilled and terrible lover.

That’s the great thing about vanilla sex. You don’t need a hyper-stimulus like choking and anal when you can drive a man crazy with just your scent and your kisses and caresses. Nothing compares to reaching the heights of passion in sex, where a person’s soulful connection is all that is needed and required. And kinks are a very poor substitute for real attraction and chemistry – and true human connection. 

A Man Who Wants To Be Abusive in Bed Doesn’t Care about You

No man will say to you out loud that he gets off by being abusive in bed with a woman he actually loves and cares about. 

And it may seem like a sweeping statement to declare that a man who’s fixated on extreme kinks with women doesn’t care about them. However, some men possess a very real dark side, and they don’t look at sex with certain women in terms of seeking to establish a bond with another human being.

Some men can get off on sheer humiliation through performing degrading sexual acts. Just as easily as some men can compartmentalize women into being hoes vs. angels they take home to meet their mother, they can compartmentalize sex in the same manner – degrading, emotionless, humiliating sex with women they don’t care about vs. sweet, passionate, sensual lovemaking with women they actually do care about.

If he treats you badly in bed, he doesn’t care about you. Again, no man who’s into kinks will freely admit that out loud, but it’s the cold hard truth. It’s a dirty, little secret unbeknownst to women that must be brought to light so that women can be more prudent in deciding whether they should go to bed with a man and when it would be very wise not to.

Vet a Man for Vanilla Sex – That Will Tell You All You Need To Know about How He Feels about You

If you want to know how a man truly feels about you, pay very close attention to his behavior both inside and outside the bedroom. 

Chances are great that if he treats you very poorly in bed, he also treats you very poorly outside of it. Men tend to sexually “treasure” the woman they love – they would never dream of hurting her, humiliating her, or injuring her during sex. 

If he treats you very poorly in bed, he also treats you very poorly outside of it.

Furthermore, if he’s caught up in the act of lovemaking, he will care about pleasing you and will concentrate his efforts on providing you with the utmost pleasure. He will care about your orgasm, his performance, how excited he wants you to feel in the moment, and he will try his best to ensure it’s an intensely gratifying experience for you both.

The way he treats you in bed is the standard upon which he values you. No man wants to defile and debase the woman he loves with dehumanizing kinks.

Closing Thoughts

People who are bad at sex are the first to glamorize (and lionize) being bad at sex by declaring it a “kink” while shaming others who have a healthy, functioning relationship with sex for not being kinky. 

If a man can’t make love to you the old-fashioned way through passionate vanilla sex, don’t chalk it up to you not being sexy or desirable. Chalk it up to him being a lousy lover. 

Being terrible at sex is not your problem; it’s his.

Much here to ponder to be certain. It's definitely an unpopular opinion to have in 2023.

Popular or unpopular, just because "everyone's doing it" doesn't make it laudable or noteworthy by any stretch. I've never followed the crowd when it comes to my love life and have had no problem keeping any man interested in me.

You'd be very wise to not follow the crowd either.

Love and Many Blessings,

Jenny

Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?

Write me: lovepilled@protonmail.com