Q&A: How Do I Politely Refuse a Man's Advances Without Being Seen as a Prude?

Q:

Dear Jenny,

I love all the great tips and articles on your site that you share with us, they have helped me a great deal, thank you!

I have a question— do you have specific content on how to discuss waiting for sex (yes, click here to find out more)? As you know the current dating world is saturated in hookup culture, I would personally prefer to get to know someone before committing.

Do you have tips on how to shut it down (with game) when he prematurely tries to take things in that direction, because he will.

I know men use it as a shit test to gauge if she’s a classy lady with dignity and moral value, and there are other guys who will try to love bomb the female to death to try to get there or rush into being exclusive for the same reasons.

I want to be level-headed and classy but also not sound like some prude. I’ll kiss and make out but of course he’ll want to hit the sheets and that’s where I need direction and help.

I'm going on a first date with someone I met at the gym who’s been chatting me up for a couple weeks and so far he hasn’t talked dirty to me, just flirting. He’s 32 and I’m 23.

He has been really cool and suggested I workout with him lol, it’s cute. But I also have a feeling he wants my clothes off asap, he’s been really adamant about going on a date and I pushed it off a bit to get to know him first.

You’re my #1 source and I don’t think you have 1-1 availabilities now as you have just returned from your break but I’m so happy you’re back! I love you so much! Thank you.

Signed,

Don't Want to Be a Prude

A:

Dear DWTBP,

It's true, women have much trouble these days in terms of being able to be classy, demure, innocent and sexy at the same time without coming off like a tramp or a prude.

Then you have the absurd puritanical tradwife larper crowd that preaches to you that sex is dirty, evil, sinful and you should dress like a pilgrim with a chastity belt around men or you're impure and unclean.

In our sex-saturated culture, as you mentioned, it seems it's a very fine line to walk. And yes, you're correct that desirable men WILL make these judgments about you, both consciously and subconsciously, with every potential woman they date. Doubly so if he wants to take it to a more serious level.

He will scrutinize you that much more for any prior or current questionable behavior that he may or may not deem trustworthy. Men of value look for reliability and trustworthiness in women because as they see it, it deeply reflects in their sexual behavior and sheds light on a woman's values overall.

That's what men are initially seeking out from you in this screening/vetting process–if you can be trusted to be a good woman. To be the kind of woman he can proudly take home to meet his whole family.

First, it's a very good sign that he hasn't even broached the subject of sex. Sing your hallelujahs because if he just wanted to use you for sex, that's all he would be talking about with you at this point.

Rule: Men go straight for sex when that's all they want. And those guys move extra fast because that's all they want.

Don't get it confused, ladies. Just because a man finds you sexually attractive, it means nil. NIL. In fact, the more he's pressing for sex, he's already entirely eliminated you from the possibility of being a potentially serious candidate for a relationship.

In contrast, when a man genuinely likes you, he isn't going to try and be too overtly sexual with you. He will behave more like gentleman (and will respect your sexual boundaries) as this man appears to be minding his P's and Q's with you thus far.

Women must understand that just because you give a guy an erection doesn't mean he even cares about you at all whatsoever.

And if he's moving fast, he frankly doesn't.

Now, as far as gaming him, there are a lot of questions that factor in as far as being able to keep your cool and go with the flow without him thinking you're easy or a big, stuffy, prudish stick in the mud:

• How much intact self-esteem do you have? Do you feel like you have to sleep with guys or they won't like you?
• How "out of your league" is this man by comparison? Do you feel weak around him as though you won't be able to say no?
• Are you looking at sex as a tool to put his balls in your purse? If so, you're not even attracted to him regardless.
• Finally, what are your goals with this connection? Are you looking for marriage?

If you are looking for marriage, which many women today tend to be looking for in dating, this is where they start acting like prudes in using marriage as a their handy dandy prude clutch...

"I won't have sex until I'm married. I'm a PURE girl, so get that through your head right now, bucko."

Not a sound technique at all. Telling a man you're "pure" generally means that you don't honestly even believe that about yourself. Nor will he believe that for one minute about you either.

You'd be wise to never bring up the subject of sex in this manner. If marriage is on your conscience concerning this man, keep a lid on it until you get to know each other better.

As far as cluing him in on your ability to be both sexy and demure, body language is key and often does the trick.

Lock eyes with him and give him a smoldering look, then proceed like nothing happened.

Cover your body with clothing almost completely then wear something slightly "revealing" such as an oversized sweater and some form-fitting jeans that accentuate your rear.

Then saunter over to him and "flash" him a bit of your physique and ask him if he likes your jeans. NOT, "Do you like my ass in these jeans, baby?" but instead say, "I think these jeans look pretty great on me, what say you?"

See the subtlety there? You're showing him you're a sexual being while keeping it muted and very demure. Men easily pick up on these subtleties. He sees your butt in those jeans, dear, he's not blind. Thus there's virtually zero need to be so in your face with any man sexually.

The art of being a sexy woman without being a slut or a prude lies in subtlety. Men don't need much to drive their imagination wild. Just a hint here and there and they are mesmerized and taken aback by this graceful but very impactful use of subtlety.

Whatever you do, don't center any conversations around pinning his nads to the dartboard unless you get a ring. That doesn't work. It reeks of desperation and manipulation, and any discerning man is going to see right through it.

You can have fun with men, flirt, and be receptive to their advances without having to be so painfully obvious about it. Be warm, inviting, let him lead, and allow yourself to be much more femininely passive with him (click here to find out how passivity works seamlessly in dealing with men).

I'll be discussing this much more in-depth in the future as it's vitally important that women today learn to balance these two charming characteristics when done right.

Because the truism remains. Men want a lady in streets and freak in the sheets. You CAN be both. Again, subtlety here is your gold standard.

Love and Many Blessings,

Jenny

Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?

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