I Was Too Clingy with My High Value Man

Dear Jenny,

Q:

I'm 20 and I enjoy reading your blogs as I find them insightful and want to use your methods to receive the love that I deserve.

I had begun dating a guy and it was great. He was hooked on me the moment we met and started speaking. We met through a mutual friend.

After that, we went on a date and it was amazing. I could feel and see how he wanted me. However, down the line, we weren't able to see each other physically because of covid restrictions so we texted.

He went a day without texting me at some point and I freaked out, confronted him telling him how he didn't like me enough to text me back. This was true but I learnt that it was fine considering the pace we were at.

He began to withdraw after that. We had a second date but he isn't as hooked as the first time and I find myself putting in more effort.

My question is, can I somehow reignite that effort from the beginning?

Signed,

Hoping to Get Him Hooked Again

A:

Dear Hoping,

This is a huge problem I'm seeing from women (and men) and it's quite predictable in its outcome.

Girl meets boy, girl gets too serious about boy before he's equally serious about her and BOOM, the power dynamic has changed and is now irreconcilable on the part of the woman–he's lost attraction and respect and she attempts to overcompensate by upping/furthering her efforts.

Unfortunately, the damage is done as far as making one tiny but huge mistake in the very initial stages of a budding relationship. Being too eager and letting a person know you like them way too darn much just isn't wise nor prudent before you can ascertain the feelings are welcome, even less so, mutual.

And unfortunately, with high value men and their hair-trigger tendency to easily become turned off by women who are clingy, especially way too soon, it can be hard to regain your power and respectability.

Something changed in him in which he now respects you less–simply because you liked him more than he probably expected at this point. But if he liked you just the same, he wouldn't have gotten too upset about you trying to express your feelings for him in desiring to spend more time with him.

And is it reasonable to you that one single day passed in which he hadn't texted you and you lost it? And therefore, lashed out at him and made yourself look too out of sorts?

Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if someone you don't know too well yet was to try and level you with an outburst, "HEY, YOU DON'T LIKE ME ENOUGH TO TEXT ME!"

In all fairness, you'd be turned off too. Nobody likes a clinger. Even if you meant well (and I know you did, sis), it doesn't come across that way to the other person on the receiving end.

It feels uncomfortable. It doesn't feel sexy. It doesn't allow a man the space to decide when to initiate and lead a conversation.

And high value men don't like feeling as if they can't be in control of the pace and interaction with a woman. It detracts from his manhood and it puts him on the spot.

It makes him feel pressured. And pressure to a man, especially in the early stages feels like death. They feel smothered, they feel irritated, and they feel like they can't move nor breathe.

It may not seem rational to you for men to think this way, but it's completely rational to them because they see red flags:

"Is she going to flip out on me every single time I step away now?"

"Is she going to continue to give me hell for the most trivial of things?"

"Is she going to now hunt me down and stalk me and be yucky and weird?"

I know this wasn't your aim at all. But to him, it could very well be. And they avoid women like the plague when they feel they are being overly pressured.

I tell both men and women alike that they MUST take a step back and take an extended break when they're in their feelings and feel inclined to knee jerk into some negative behavior that's going to make them look unfavorable to the other person.

It takes discipline and practice to learn to think before you speak. So now that you know where things went awry, let this be a swift lesson.

Never allow your emotions to guide your decisions in these split-second moments of angst. Step back and look at things from an objective point of view and always weigh the outcome of your actions.

"If I do this, how could this potentially impact how this person feels about me? Am I going to come out looking like the bad guy? Am I going to seem like a basket case?"

Always, ALWAYS weigh the consequences of your actions against the outcome you desire. If it logically won't make sense for you to do something to achieve the desired outcome, simply don't do it.

As far as gaining back your power in the relationship, you'll have to back off completely for now and give him lots of space.

You may even see fit to apologize and say, "I'm sorry I lashed out at you. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or hurt your feelings."

And again, allow him space. Let him have some room to process your apology and let him have some time to sort out his now jumbled and mixed feelings.

Then when he returns, do your best to let things settle into the way they were before. Let him slowly but surely reengage and feel safe enough to do so. You will have to give it some time and be patient.

I realize you like him and you want to be able to openly express that to him. This just isn't the appropriate way to do it.

Be more reserved, think of the outcome you want to achieve and think of the person's feelings before you do anything rash that could permanently damage your relationship.

Back off for now, give him lots of space and when he returns (he will if you follow what I've laid out here), continue to allow him to initiate and to rebuild that initial attraction and respect.

I know you'll do well.

Love and Many Blessings,

Jenny

Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?

Write me: lovepilled@protonmail.com