I'm 42 and Thousands of Men Want to Date Me
Q:
Dear Jenny,
I am 42, never married and don’t have any children, and I would like both. While conventional medicine says children in early to mid 40’s is unlikely, that's not true as I have many, many examples of friends and friends of friends having healthy babies without any help (often accidentally) well into their 40’s (I run in very healthy groups that are into health food, alternative medicine, etc.).
Also, I’m open to adopting. I am very often told I look 10 years plus younger than my age and have been eating organic and into nutrition since I was 16 years old. I’m somewhat new to online dating, but have been on countless dates from men I’ve met online in the last 8 months as I am prioritizing finding a partner to start a family.
My experience has been that I have lots of options for dating (1,000 plus “likes/matches” on Bumble, for example) but not very many men in their 40’s + want kids. And I have to be attracted to them too.
I am considered to be very attractive by men - I’m sure not by all men, but I get a lot of positive feedback on my beauty by men (just giving context). With all of the options I have for going on dates, I simply cannot spend the time and energy messaging with men and going on dates with men that do not want kids and do not believe in marriage.
You may be surprised by the number of men in their 40s-50s that have actually decided they never want to get legally married. I want to “play it cool” and not scare men away with my profile or by asking upfront while messaging on the app or on the first date if they want marriage/kids, but at the same time, it’s very time-consuming to message with all these men and go on dates.
I simply don’t have the time and energy at my age to date somebody for a couple of weeks before asking them what they’re looking for and to see if they actually believe in marriage and have any desire at all to have a child. There are a lot of men just looking for sex that want to waste my time.
Also, I sometimes come across men’s profiles that explicitly state that they are looking for “the one/to start a family.” Somehow there is a double standard where these men don’t look desperate, yet when women put it on their profile it looks desperate? As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that one solution could be to get on more conservative and Christian dating websites like eHarmony.
I am politically conservative and Christian (though not super religious and very open minded). Also, on apps like Bumble that give the option of selecting “wants kids someday” and “marriage,” do you also think that looks desperate? I am curious how you would approach dating with the intention of marriage and starting a family at 42 years old?
Signed,
42 With Thousands of Matches & Counting
A:
Dear 42 & Counting,
Thanks for writing in on your quandary which is not at all unusual. There are truckloads of single women your age and younger harvesting thousands upon thousands of matches on apps. Such is the life of single women on the dating scene. They think it's a bumper crop.
Spoiler Alert: Untold numbers of men will swipe on all women within a 100 mile radius just to try and eke out a couple of matches. They could care less about the woman's bio, shape, color, shoe size, personality, etc. They are on a quest to swipe and procure any match they can.
In other words, it's a numbers game for men. They are not being selective, they are being thirsty. And I discourage you from being haughty about "thousands of men wanting you" because:
Dating apps have proven to be a time sink for both sexes. While it's possible to find your future spouse on these apps, the vast majority of people treat apps as a Sims video game simulation. They are not taking dating as seriously as you think.
I repeat, it's the land of tirekickers, time-wasters and desperate, bizarre folk who will swipe on any chick du jour. Thus my first suggestion would be to eliminate the "abundance of choice" mentality you have adopted.
Thousands of matches means zilch to most people who use apps in the grand scheme. And when the matches prove fruitless and don't end in true love and lasting connection, they mean even less. They are worthless.
Further, as an older woman myself, it doesn't matter if you look younger. You are still 42. No amount of vegetables, potions and holistic wheatgrass concoctions is going stop you from aging. Nor will it stop men from judging you being older and unmarried on dating apps.
You will still have to disclose to the men you date that you are 42. And you have zero control over whether or not they will be unwelcoming and discriminatory towards your age, especially as it relates to wanting marriage and a family.
I'm also not at all surprised that many men in their 40's and 50's don't want to get married or have children. I'm among this age demographic myself and I'm quite privy to our mentality and hangups, along with our midlife crises and baggage.
You see, a lot of red pill men who are still young have no clue nor any concept of what it's like to be 40-50. They assume they'll still harbor the same views about being young and carefree in middle age.
"You can have kids at 60, guys! You have all the time in the world," the red pill dolt shouts at every turn. Reminds me of women who say, "I'll just get filler and no man will ever know I'm 50."
Good luck with that, dearies.
Sure, men can "technically" have kids at 50 (that's debatable if you google sperm quality in older men). Doesn't mean they will actually want to. They often don't. They will not be having any children with any woman, younger or older.
Middle age is a cruel yet comical stage of life. You finally grasp your mortality because you realize without a doubt that death is coming much quicker. Being young and spry and careless in your thinking disappears and the real hard shit begins.
I'm unsure that you will be able to find a middle aged man who will want to give you a family. Many middle aged men (and women) in general are not the slightest bit interested in starting a family at 45. With the exception of those who missed the boat and they scramble their eggs, wombs, sperm donors, and want to reverse their tubal ligations/vasectomies, it's not a life calling for middle aged people.
My advice to you in the dating realm would be to start unearthing these very crucial details as soon as you start matching and speaking to the men on these apps.
You will need to indicate in your dating profile that you are seeking marriage and children to root out those who want to play hide the pokey peeper and just want to sleep with you.
You will need to swiftly cut off the time wasters and tirekickers as soon as you get any inkling it's headed for the sewers.
You will need to be honest and tell the men you date from here on out that you are looking for a husband and children only. That you are 42 years old and this is your sole priority in dating and if they are not on the same page, you will have to cut them off and give them taillights.
Keep in mind, by doing so, you will have rude men who will make disparaging remarks about your age. They will be judging you as to why you haven't gotten married nor had children at 42 years old.
I agree, it's definitely unfair that men may think it's desperate. It's also unfair that they may think there's something really wrong with you. But people are jerks on apps about everything. It's a minefield for everyone whether you're 22, 42 or 52.
You will have to learn to brush off the bad etiquette and insults that come with the territory. You will have to take it in stride. And also realize that many, many women are in the same position as you on these apps facing "discrimination" for any number of reasons, not just for being an older woman.
Above all, you must have a strategy. Such as the following:
- Be specific about what you want on your profile.
- Be open to talking to men about your expectations and what you want as soon as you are able after you match them.
- Be prepared to ditch any man on the spot who is not willing to meet those standards. You will have to remain disciplined and committed to eliminating the men who are unwilling to give you what you want.
I saw a couple of older women on Instagram disclose that they had to root through dozens if not hundreds of men before they found the right man. They did not waste any time. If they knew it wasn't going to work, they ended it immediately and moved onto other prospects.
You will have to do the same.
I realize in my previous post related to whether or not you should disclose in your bio you want a committed relationship, I emphasized leaving it "vague" and seeing where it leads.
Older women cannot afford to play hide and seek among thousands of men who only want to f*ck. They need to have a real strategy because time is of the essence and they can't afford to waste it.
You can find a man who will marry you. Many women find a wonderful man every day and they go on to live happy, fulfilling lives.
But you will have to remain committed and ever-vigilant in getting rid of the thousands of men that don't actually want you so you can make room in your life for that special man who does.
Love and Many Blessings,
Jenny
Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?
Write me: lovepilled@protonmail.com