I'm Intimated by An Alpha Male

Dear Jenny,

Q:

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too insecure to be in the relationship I'm in.

I guess, by some people's standards, I might be considered a "catch." I'm 25, graduate-educated, not fat/work out, and embrace traditional femininity.

My boyfriend is 37, successful, good looking, owns a house and a condo, owns 3 cars, is traditionally masculine, etc., so he is 100% a catch in my book (and by many others' standards, I'm sure).

I've felt "below his league," more so at the beginning of our relationship, but intermittently now; it has nothing to do with how he makes me feel, because he seems excited to be with me and even says he's lucky.

It's mind-boggling to me, because truthfully, I don't think much of myself often, and many of my accomplishments and self-betterment feel like me trying to prove myself.

I haven't had a shortage of guys in my life, per se, but I don't think I've ever been with someone as high value as him, who has intimidated me (in the best possible way) as much as he has.

With past relationships, I wasn't afraid to lose them, though I guess this sounds bad. I didn't respect them nor hold nearly as much attraction for them as I hold for my current boyfriend.

My boyfriend is an executive, professional - well-seasoned in the workforce, versus me, who is barely starting a clinical career.

He doesn't eat/work out perfectly, but he's a seasoned physical trainer, and I'm a young adult finally learning to develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise after battling a past of disordered eating.

He's been with a number of women, I'm sure, given his age; I've been in several relationships. He's so skilled in bed that it makes me feel like an amateur.

I could go on at length, but I've found what you've shared to be true. Men value how you make them feel. At least I can say, I think I have succeeded in this category.

But when I reflect on how great he is, it - self-centeredly, I suppose - only magnifies to me how small and inadequate I feel.

I'm sure I hide it well, as I'm not a typically "needy" type who requires a lot of validation (in fact, I'm quite the opposite; I'm good at respecting space and cultivating where I'm at without impinging on others' lives).

But at times I feel I cannot handle it, and I almost want to date someone who I don't value as much as I value him, because I wouldn't be second-guessing myself nearly as often if I did. Which is horrible, I know.

I'm genuinely not afraid of being cheated on. And I know there will always be women out there who are smarter, more beautiful, more desirable than I am. But I wonder if I'm just wasting my time with someone as great as he is, and if I'm better off just ending things.

I'm sure that's a fear-driven response, but again this relationship feels like a mirror that reflects my own lacks back at me, and it's too much sometimes. Granted, I'm continually working to grow in this area of insecurity, and I think I've come a way, but it's a work in progress.

Please know that this hasn't been the bulk of my relationship, and I'm not particularly proud of how I've represented myself in this email, but I really need some honest advice as to the best way to approach this.

Signed,

Sweet Gal Intimidated by an Alpha Male

A:

Dear Intimidated Sweet Gal,

Let me just start off by saying congratulations on your catch. Sounds like a really great guy. Seems to treat you well and you appear to like each other and you get along wonderfully.

When I talk with my female clients who are in a similar situation, I explain to them that you need not question him, the process nor his motives–he likes you otherwise you wouldn't be in the picture.

And you must allow yourself to feel special as his woman and embrace being given such a title because he chose you out of likely dozens of other attractive and available women. These men have no shortage of choices–but they DO have a shortage of women they actually find desirable who can check off all the boxes.

He seems to have found that in you so again, just roll with it. Enjoy yourselves and have a good time. And more importantly, quiet that little voice in your head this instant that screams out at you in the middle of the night that you are inadequate and "don't deserve" this kind of man in your life.

Because if you continue down this needless and fruitless path of self-sabotage and start demonstrating unattractive behaviors in reaction/relation to various situations in your relationship, you may wind up losing him.

I've had my fair share of these top dog guys, and they're not gods. They put their pants on one leg at a time like everyone else. He's a man who sits on the can every morning, does his business and gets on with it. He's simply a human being–one who happens to like you very much. So why question it?

And here's the catch–he doesn't want you to treat him like a god either. Men like him desire their "equal" in a sense in that she's confident in both herself and him, and is strong and balanced in her emotions to bring forth her very best in the relationship and keep the peace.

That's ultimately what he wants. A woman who isn't insecure but who is sure of herself. All the right seeds have been planted–all you have to do now is witness your relationship continue to blossom and grow.

And he may even find your "less sophisticated" way about you concerning your position in life and your lack of worldly experience endearing. It allows him to lead and assume authority. He's 37 and you're 25–I'm sure he's thrilled to have a beautiful, young 25-year old woman keeping him company. So you have a lot more leverage than you think you do.

Whatever you do, don't be insecure. Be poised. Be graceful. Be joyful. Be happy. Accept that he wants YOU.

And as I mentioned, if he didn't like you, he wouldn't be there. He wouldn't be present in your relationship nor would he be eager to be a part of your life. It would be foolish for you to not let him in because of some overwrought insecurities that have no basis in reality.

Whatever you do, don't be needy. Don't be clingy. Don't be desperate. Don't start nagging him and start giving him the third degree on "where the relationship is going" if you haven't had that discussion yet. And since you're not that type of woman, it's safe to say, that's likely a huge part of why he's very attracted to you.

Be a lady. The same lady you've always been that he enjoys being with. That's all he needs and wants from you.

Love and Many Blessings,

Jenny

Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?

Write me: lovepilled@protonmail.com